Friendship: Deaf VS DeafBlind

Video Description: Samantha with ponytail along with black frame glasses with dark green shirt while the background is light blue. 

Transcription: I am here to say something about friendship. as you know we go throughout our lives to meet many  different people. Throughout childhood, school, college, mutual friends, and etc. I am here to say my experience as deaf person and deaf blind person and noticed the two different group of friends. I didn’t mean to point it out to you, just want to express out my experiences and it’s getting raw. As deaf person I grew up very reserved, quiet, cautious and born in hearing family, hearing world, hearing school and little bit of deaf school and didn’t went to any deaf universities, only went to hearing. Yes, its nice to have deaf friends for communicate and etc. 

Until I turn fourteen years old, i found out that I have Udder’s Syndrome. Only best  friend knows that I have it. Of course, I was freshman in high school, i kept all of this to myself and didn’t tell my friends until later on. Because sometimes people will give you special treatment, what i mean by that is when you found out that I have it, you will treat me differently, you don’t know how to accept to the fact that I am going to be blind later n the future. I don’t need any of special treatment from my friends. Mostly people don’t know how to react to it until later. I have hard time to coping with it and I didn’t tell anyone immediately. Later on, when i entered deaf school, another new experience for me, new people, new culture, new community, and of course they did noticed that I overlooked a lot, hit my heads, or trip over something. They all later on found out that I have Usher’s. I met one teacher there, that’s similar to me and I felt the same. I was very denial and didn’t accept to the fact that I have it. Sometimes people will make jokes ut of it and it’s not ok. It’s most annoying and it’s not acceptable. 

When I moved to Seattle, understand this, I am from Wisconsin, all of friends know that I have it, and they still make jokes out of it, and they keep forgetting. Sometimes they actually will say it in front of us and they keep repeat saying I am sorry. But why do people keep forgetting? What for? That’s no excuse, that’s lame. Of course, Seattle grew up on me and I become falling in love with the community here, and I started to discover my self identity, and finally accepted myself. I finally do tactile, started using cane, and show other people how to communicate with us. People in Seattle already involved, know culture inside and outside, supportive, show us a whole lot of love. I started to have a lot of friends that’s DB more than deaf/hearing because they don’t understand how we feel, struggling, or coping with different level of vision that happen every day. You know, hearing world is huge, hearing people oppressed deaf, then deaf community is small, deaf oppressed DeafBlind, and the worst part is that DeafBlind community is super small than deaf and we have no one to oppress from. We (DB) all have been support other people with dual disabilities because we finally understand how they feel while deaf/hearing don’t. Again, don’t take it personally, this is raw feelings. Think about it carefully. 

I want all of you to learn something from it. Friends, learned who’s my true colors friends. Friends are people who stand up for me, stand behind me, support, love, and willing to accommodate my needs, not me for them. True friends are like a family, even not blood related. They still are family. What can you do for yourself? Starting to accept to the fact that you know someone that you love the most is DB, starting to learn their culture, their language, become involved, and show them that you will be there when we all go throughout a lot of changes. Don’t be the person that jerk us and left us if we are struggling to understand you. It’s your job to understand us and it’s your job to accommodate us. 

Now DeafBlind community are getting tired of educate y’all all over again like million times and nothing happens. It’s time for YOU to do something. 

All About Emotions

Emotions is an effective state of consciousness, sorrow, fear, hate, or the like, is experienced, as as distinguished from cognitive and litigious state of consciousness

For the past month, I was struggling with my emotions because whenever the big event impacted on me, I would feel little but eventually becoming numb for a few months or less. I had spoke with my therapist and explained to her that my whole life, I had experienced sexual assault, traumatized, coping with having Usher's Syndrome (still do but accepted), handled my father's death was difficult because our relationship was harder and rebuilding and I felt like that was took away soon than I thought. I thought I was going to marry to my only true love for the life, but had bad break up and I had to deal with all of my emotions alone, my struggles alone, among other things. It was never easy. AND I had to change my therapists at least FOUR times in past four years, I am currently on my fourth one and I hope that will be last. Because I couldn't take it anymore by explaining everything all over again to new person, rebuild trust, and the whole thing. Currently, I am dealing with one of my roommates being passed away due to rare lung diseases and fuck that, it's much HARDER to come home from work or any plans because her things are still here and her car is still there on driveway. Some people thinks it's easy to get rid of things but really no it's not. It's hard because it's reality hitting on me and other two roommate in the house. We all deal with it together and it was unexpectedly. I don't 

Emotions is something that you feel, but you don't know how to handle it right. I have been single for three years until I met someone else and currently in relationship. All of my emotions that I handled in the past was much different than I handle it right now because back then, I had no one to support me all the way throughout my father's death, bad break up, and honestly, I did put all of my emotions in sex because It felt great and eventually, one of my best friends gotten worried about me and told me to stop it. So, I did stop it and realized that sex is not best solution to put all of emotions away. I still feel it and I don't like to handle with it because It's hard for me to talk about it. Eventually, I finally build my trust in my therapist, my roommates, and my boyfriend. I know that I have to say what I feel instead of bottle up all inside me. Hell, I don't like to cry! Someone once used to tell me to take tears out of my eyes every single tear, it will make you feel better. Cry anywhere, cry in front of people, and just let it come out of you. 

All of these are RAW coming out of me because I know that I have to teach others how to handle it right way. So I have been learning a lot about my emotions and right now they are detached from my mind and my body is not connected to my mind because when a big event like someone passed away, it's becoming numb and numb more. All of my emotions are numb now, period. So how do i get my mind and body connected again? I actually have to talk about it and I have been avoid that subject for a long time and my body is used to bottle up everything inside me. I have depression, I have anxiety, I have vivid imagination sometimes that's felt like it's real but really it's not. My emotions are all over the place and I have been putting them into cleaning the house, check up and take care of my roommates, keep my mind occupied. And I ended up putting myself last like always. The cycle is coming back into my life again and I don't want that happening. I don't want that happen to you either! When you read this, think about your emotions, what did you tend to do put them away? How? When? Where? Does they give you something that you never felt before? Did you put yourself first or last? Think about it. Do something about it. Don't let your emotions take the toll of you. Because it almost did took toll on me and I almost lost everything. I have to fight to get things that I want and get my mind clear up for once. 

For instance, I thought I will never find love but I did. I used my previous relationship as my lessons to adjust into what I have now because I like things to be slow and steady. At same time, learning a new love is like excitement and it's new chapter to open the door and use it. Experience it, be happy. I am much happier than I was and that was true fact. Every day, when I go into work, everyone felt my energy, felt my happiness being different. All because of you. Thank you for being there for me especially the tough moments. I wouldn't know how or what will i do without you. Love you. 

Before I wrap things up for today, if you read this and feel tears, let it come out of you, show no shame. It's OK to cry! Actually it is! Just be proud of it, cry is not weakness, it's sign of being strong person you are. It's another sign that you are going throughout something that you are experiencing at the moment. 

Until next time folks, 
Tactile Love,
Samantha 

P.S. This blog is dedicated to Luce Lazarus (Victoria "Luce" LeBlanc). Love you. Fly High, I will touch you again later in the life.