Friendship: Deaf VS DeafBlind

Video Description: Samantha with ponytail along with black frame glasses with dark green shirt while the background is light blue. 

Transcription: I am here to say something about friendship. as you know we go throughout our lives to meet many  different people. Throughout childhood, school, college, mutual friends, and etc. I am here to say my experience as deaf person and deaf blind person and noticed the two different group of friends. I didn’t mean to point it out to you, just want to express out my experiences and it’s getting raw. As deaf person I grew up very reserved, quiet, cautious and born in hearing family, hearing world, hearing school and little bit of deaf school and didn’t went to any deaf universities, only went to hearing. Yes, its nice to have deaf friends for communicate and etc. 

Until I turn fourteen years old, i found out that I have Udder’s Syndrome. Only best  friend knows that I have it. Of course, I was freshman in high school, i kept all of this to myself and didn’t tell my friends until later on. Because sometimes people will give you special treatment, what i mean by that is when you found out that I have it, you will treat me differently, you don’t know how to accept to the fact that I am going to be blind later n the future. I don’t need any of special treatment from my friends. Mostly people don’t know how to react to it until later. I have hard time to coping with it and I didn’t tell anyone immediately. Later on, when i entered deaf school, another new experience for me, new people, new culture, new community, and of course they did noticed that I overlooked a lot, hit my heads, or trip over something. They all later on found out that I have Usher’s. I met one teacher there, that’s similar to me and I felt the same. I was very denial and didn’t accept to the fact that I have it. Sometimes people will make jokes ut of it and it’s not ok. It’s most annoying and it’s not acceptable. 

When I moved to Seattle, understand this, I am from Wisconsin, all of friends know that I have it, and they still make jokes out of it, and they keep forgetting. Sometimes they actually will say it in front of us and they keep repeat saying I am sorry. But why do people keep forgetting? What for? That’s no excuse, that’s lame. Of course, Seattle grew up on me and I become falling in love with the community here, and I started to discover my self identity, and finally accepted myself. I finally do tactile, started using cane, and show other people how to communicate with us. People in Seattle already involved, know culture inside and outside, supportive, show us a whole lot of love. I started to have a lot of friends that’s DB more than deaf/hearing because they don’t understand how we feel, struggling, or coping with different level of vision that happen every day. You know, hearing world is huge, hearing people oppressed deaf, then deaf community is small, deaf oppressed DeafBlind, and the worst part is that DeafBlind community is super small than deaf and we have no one to oppress from. We (DB) all have been support other people with dual disabilities because we finally understand how they feel while deaf/hearing don’t. Again, don’t take it personally, this is raw feelings. Think about it carefully. 

I want all of you to learn something from it. Friends, learned who’s my true colors friends. Friends are people who stand up for me, stand behind me, support, love, and willing to accommodate my needs, not me for them. True friends are like a family, even not blood related. They still are family. What can you do for yourself? Starting to accept to the fact that you know someone that you love the most is DB, starting to learn their culture, their language, become involved, and show them that you will be there when we all go throughout a lot of changes. Don’t be the person that jerk us and left us if we are struggling to understand you. It’s your job to understand us and it’s your job to accommodate us. 

Now DeafBlind community are getting tired of educate y’all all over again like million times and nothing happens. It’s time for YOU to do something. 

All About Emotions

Emotions is an effective state of consciousness, sorrow, fear, hate, or the like, is experienced, as as distinguished from cognitive and litigious state of consciousness

For the past month, I was struggling with my emotions because whenever the big event impacted on me, I would feel little but eventually becoming numb for a few months or less. I had spoke with my therapist and explained to her that my whole life, I had experienced sexual assault, traumatized, coping with having Usher's Syndrome (still do but accepted), handled my father's death was difficult because our relationship was harder and rebuilding and I felt like that was took away soon than I thought. I thought I was going to marry to my only true love for the life, but had bad break up and I had to deal with all of my emotions alone, my struggles alone, among other things. It was never easy. AND I had to change my therapists at least FOUR times in past four years, I am currently on my fourth one and I hope that will be last. Because I couldn't take it anymore by explaining everything all over again to new person, rebuild trust, and the whole thing. Currently, I am dealing with one of my roommates being passed away due to rare lung diseases and fuck that, it's much HARDER to come home from work or any plans because her things are still here and her car is still there on driveway. Some people thinks it's easy to get rid of things but really no it's not. It's hard because it's reality hitting on me and other two roommate in the house. We all deal with it together and it was unexpectedly. I don't 

Emotions is something that you feel, but you don't know how to handle it right. I have been single for three years until I met someone else and currently in relationship. All of my emotions that I handled in the past was much different than I handle it right now because back then, I had no one to support me all the way throughout my father's death, bad break up, and honestly, I did put all of my emotions in sex because It felt great and eventually, one of my best friends gotten worried about me and told me to stop it. So, I did stop it and realized that sex is not best solution to put all of emotions away. I still feel it and I don't like to handle with it because It's hard for me to talk about it. Eventually, I finally build my trust in my therapist, my roommates, and my boyfriend. I know that I have to say what I feel instead of bottle up all inside me. Hell, I don't like to cry! Someone once used to tell me to take tears out of my eyes every single tear, it will make you feel better. Cry anywhere, cry in front of people, and just let it come out of you. 

All of these are RAW coming out of me because I know that I have to teach others how to handle it right way. So I have been learning a lot about my emotions and right now they are detached from my mind and my body is not connected to my mind because when a big event like someone passed away, it's becoming numb and numb more. All of my emotions are numb now, period. So how do i get my mind and body connected again? I actually have to talk about it and I have been avoid that subject for a long time and my body is used to bottle up everything inside me. I have depression, I have anxiety, I have vivid imagination sometimes that's felt like it's real but really it's not. My emotions are all over the place and I have been putting them into cleaning the house, check up and take care of my roommates, keep my mind occupied. And I ended up putting myself last like always. The cycle is coming back into my life again and I don't want that happening. I don't want that happen to you either! When you read this, think about your emotions, what did you tend to do put them away? How? When? Where? Does they give you something that you never felt before? Did you put yourself first or last? Think about it. Do something about it. Don't let your emotions take the toll of you. Because it almost did took toll on me and I almost lost everything. I have to fight to get things that I want and get my mind clear up for once. 

For instance, I thought I will never find love but I did. I used my previous relationship as my lessons to adjust into what I have now because I like things to be slow and steady. At same time, learning a new love is like excitement and it's new chapter to open the door and use it. Experience it, be happy. I am much happier than I was and that was true fact. Every day, when I go into work, everyone felt my energy, felt my happiness being different. All because of you. Thank you for being there for me especially the tough moments. I wouldn't know how or what will i do without you. Love you. 

Before I wrap things up for today, if you read this and feel tears, let it come out of you, show no shame. It's OK to cry! Actually it is! Just be proud of it, cry is not weakness, it's sign of being strong person you are. It's another sign that you are going throughout something that you are experiencing at the moment. 

Until next time folks, 
Tactile Love,
Samantha 

P.S. This blog is dedicated to Luce Lazarus (Victoria "Luce" LeBlanc). Love you. Fly High, I will touch you again later in the life. 

Loved Ones

When you lost someone that you loved, things will be hard. You feel like you can't handle it anymore, ask someone to support you. You know you can ask someone that loves you the most to come and sit by you to have a talk with you. Any types of talk will help. Everyone grief in different ways, some take it hard, some takes it easy, some takes it then move on next day, It's normal and it's okay to feel that way. Be
cause you know yourself better than anyone else. 

Depends on who you loved the most, the most it will impact on you. For example, immediate family, close friends, pets, and your partners in crime---they all do impact on everyone hugely than just friends or strangers. 

I am experiencing this right now with the loss of a roommate, a friend, a community member, activist, and everything else. I have seen this person growing up a lot while at same time is suffered a lot of health complications and felt like it wouldn't getting any better for herself. I have learned how to handle my grief processing and I discovered that I am annoyed easily when people are overwhelming with a lot of questions and the main question is "when is the memorial service" all over again. 

Firstly, you don't ask them right away especially on the first day of finding out that person passed away. BAD IDEA. You can always buckle down and learn how to be patient. You should know better about that. It's one of the best tips is to leave them to process the grief in their own time instead of asking when the memorial service. It takes some time to announce or to let you know. 

Secondly, you could ask them for the support and what they want from the community, that is ALWAYS the best to do it during grief period. For me, it worked better and show me how much you show me your love toward me and others. 

Here's a few quotes that i loved the most during grief processing. Remember, take your time to grief, there's no limitations nor time. You takes all of time that you need to process .Everyone move on at their pace, you move on when you are ready and at your pace. 

Word Description: "Grief is not a disorder, a disease or sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical and spiritual necessity. the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve".--Earl Grollman

Word Description: "Life is so ironic. It takes sadness to know what happiness is, noise to appreciate silence and absence to value presence".---Peaceful Diamond

Word Description: "You can never overcome grief. Not within a day, a week, a year, or a lifetime"--Elizabeth M. 

Remember you take your time to grieve. Don't rush things out, take them throughout slow and steady. Talk to someone when you need, let someone that you know and love and see if they can do what they can to help you. It's OK to be sad, it's OK to have mixed emotions, and most importantly, it's OK to CRY! Let it out, let it come, and let it be out then you can be happy. 

Until next time....

Tactile love, 

Samantha 

Becoming DeafBlind is a beautiful thing

I want to share my story today because this special day is Usher's Syndrome Awareness Day. This is honor to people who's identified themselves as DeafBlind. Here's my story: 

I found out that I have Usher's Syndrome (US) when I was fourteen and started enter high school (hearing). My grandparents started to noticed the signs and we do have a uncle in the family that's diagnosed as Retinitis Pigmentosa and they were concerned about my vision and asked my mother to take me to doctor to take several tests. Oh boy, I never forget that day it was a lot of tests, blood works, and a lot of lights. You name it. I felt like I was in the office for hours but really it's sort of more than two hours. Of course, back then there was no interpreters provided compare to today, my mom was interpretering for me and I was suffered with a lot of miscommunication information and then afterwards, I spoke with doctor that I wanted to have real interpreter to clear up the communication. The doctor agreed. After that day, I was miserable, sad, shocked and of course i was teenager, so all of hormones were out of control. I had hard time to coping with accepting to the fact that I will become either partially or full blind in the future. There's no guarantee of when. So I decided that I took up braille classes and orientation/mobility to learn how to coping with it and be prepared myself for the future. The important key is eating health and stay away from being too stress. Being stressful can causing your vision decreasing quickly than you think. 

Before you ask, you ask yourself what's Usher's Syndrome and what does it mean? What does it look like? Let me show you. 

"USHER SYNDROME IS THE MOST COMMON GENETIC CAUSE OF COMBINED DEAFNESS AND BLINDNESS."

"Vision loss in Usher syndrome is caused by a progressive vision disorder known as retinitis pigmentosa (RP). RP causes the light-sensing cells in the retina to gradually deteriorate, initially resulting in night blindness, followed by a narrowing of the visual field, commonly known as tunnel vision."  And you can find more information at the link:

https://www.usher-syndrome.org/what-is-usher-syndrome/usher-syndrome.html

In 2011, I went to Seabeck for first time and met so many people that's like me. I enjoyed the camp there, it's full world of DB (DeafBlind) people from all over the world and it was amazing experience for me. Then I promised myself that someday that I will live in Seattle because of the communities and weather is perfect for me and my vision compared to Midwest. I finally moved to Seattle in 2012 and currently living in Seattle for past six years and I love it very much. The community has impact on me a lot that Midwest don't have. For example, SSP (Support Service Provider), gain my independence and gain my identity. Also, not just that and I learned the new language and new culture via ProTactile (PT) and now it 's all over the world slowly and yet, it's very benefit me a lot. At first, I admitted that I hesisted about touch other people's hands because it's scared the hell out of me because I know that I will end up like them in the future. It took me three years to adjust and finally learned to accept my identity and I am proud to be DeafBlind and I now starting to use PT a lot even tho I can still see well. I just want to conintue that because of communication being clear, and visual information as well. I just completely fall in love with it. It's hard to describe but for you to experience, you have to be open mind and open your heart to actual experience the real hand on life by people around you. Yes, I have been grow up a lot and learn a whole of things. It's new world and new culture and it's ME. Yes, it's frustrating because there's no prediable on how changes it will occur or when it will happen. You just have to embrace your life and keep it going. That's what I am doing now. I am grabbing my time to travel the world as much as I can so I can embrace the memories that I have in my head as my imagination. 

Honestly, I wouldn't trade in for anything to restore my vision. Yes, there's medical research rumors but I still don't want to change it because that's who I am. I am finally identitied myself as DeafBlind woman. Yes, i do have bad days but it doesn't mean that I have to give up. If i give up, I wouldn't be here writing this story. I know that it will inspired others and show them that I have been strong my whole life and hell I am lucky enough to find out at younger age than later on. Most of time people found out way later in the age after eighteen. 

There are certain people that have been support me all the way, I am grateful to have them in my life as I am tear up and writing this at same time, without these people i wouldn't be here and I would end up staying in Midwest and being ignorant. So yeah, I rather to be experience and accept it than deny and avoid it. 

This is me, this is who I am. I identified myself as: 

*DeafBlind

*Queet

*Biracial

And thank you for read this story. I hope that you learn from it and embrace the people that you love and eventually you will never know that you will meet someone like me a s your partner. So please learn to accept for who they are and adjust to their lifestyles because WE will not change for you, WE will not do anything to adjust you, WE will do adjustment ourselves and learn how to handle it. WE just need you to support us, be there for us, and everything else. JUST BE YOU. If you don't want to learn it, then don't waste our time. 

Much love,

Samantha 

Self-Awareness

HEY! I know it's been a while since y'all read my last post. I am sure that y'all had great summer! 

Now as you know this month (September) is Suicide Awareness month. Many of you know thinks it's nothing but really, that's where you are wrong. 

More young people have been suiciding themselves every day for several reason...coping with something that they're not used to, sexual identity, rejection, and others. How do you notice or how do you aware if that person needs help. First of all, the term "suicide" is very serious and to me, it always can be happen instantly even tho a person said "OK". It's not OK, it's not OK to accept the fact that person is doing ok. Many of us always say that daily and you don't know our story behind. 

Suicide do guide to self harm with objects that you never thought that you will able to do. All of us are handling with it differently and different situations could pop up. Many people actually thinks it's crazy but no it's consider as mental illness and we all based on that because of social media, stereotypes, and others. 

Let me tell you something that I want you to aware of. I have been dealing with depression ever since I was fourteen. I found out that I have Usher's when I was 14 years old and freshman in high school. I kept that as secret because it's scary and I know that everyone will treat me differently. I started to denied that and it's turned me into depression and I had hard time coping with it. Later on during high school years, I tried to kill myself with razor around my ankle and I was going to let it bleed out. I decided to walk out of shower and dry myself up and let it bleed around my ankle, one of dorm staff noticed and asked me what happened. I lied to them and told them that I didn't feel anything until you mentioned it. Later in the night, I felt guilty and told the staff the whole truth, that person does her job and had to do something. Ended up called my mother and she ended up yelling at me and told me to stop it because she doesn't want to lose me that early. I am grateful for my mother to yell at me to wake me up and reazlied that I needed to stop being so sad all of time. I was struggling to coping with having Usher's until I entered college and seek therptist. It helped me a whole lot, got my focus back on track. 

Ever since I am still seeking therapist and it's nothing wrong. Suicide rate has been skyrocketed ever since because of social media, people around you being negative and you need to be surround people that loves you for you, giving you a whole lot of positive energy, vibes, and support you all the way. Seeing counselor or therapist is not bad thing, believe me. It helps me to get to the point where I am healing now. I no longer thinks of negative thoughts or thinking of kill myself. Not anymore. I finally am accepted my identity for who i am. 

Here's the tips on how to support someone who's going throughout difficult times: 

1. Be there for that person no matter what. 
2. Don't think that person is crazy because often it's not true. 
3. Check in and make sure that person is doing alright, ask if that person want you to be with her/him
4. Giving plenty of love. 
5. Give a hug to someone always help them to feel better and it's boost up their self confidence 
6. Ask that person to see if want to talk about it and solve the situation 
7. Ask that person what would he/she want you to do to help
8. Make them laugh, make them feel better 
9. Take them out for a walk, or take them to someplace that's positive and being around people
10. Encourage them to see counselor or seek therapist. 

Use these tips to talk with someone that you love. I always often check in with my close friends and family to make sure that they're all good and sometimes when you are in another state and I know how much tough it is at the moment but hey you do have friends around you in the state that you're currently living in to be there for you! 

Last thing, but not finished. There are don't do's. Please DON'T do this to someone who's in depressed status: 

1. You're fine. 
2. You will be OK.
3. You're nuts
4. You're stupid
5. Quit talking like a crazy person
6. You look fine! 
7. Why are you being so stupid? 
8. NEVER encourage them to do something that will lead to it. 
9. DON'T put a person in negative environmental
10. Don't leave a person alone with object that will kill him/herself. 

Remember, you're NOT ALONE. You have your family, friends, partners, and everyone that you know and love you being in your life counts. YOU COUNTS. YOU DO MATTER. After all, there's only one person in the world among millions of people, there's only ONE you, there's no other like you. 

Here's my favorite quote that will help you to get throughout rough day:

"The weak fall, but the strong will remain and never go under!"

Anne Frank

Much love,
Sammie 

Message for Men

Dear Man,

I am telling you how I feel as a woman, and I am only speak my opinion, not based on women out there. They might feel the same as I feel. You know, you don't go out or get online, asking a woman for sex position or send dick picture. The women in the world deserve a better man than you are. I know I do. And the way you speak to me sucks. You don't know how to treat a lady or make her feel better. You have been chasing after me and keep asking me all of stupid sexual questions. Not cool. Now I am telling you how to treat me right. Remember, this is my feelings being raw. If you can't handle it then you are not man enough. Sure, all of us are different and yes women are asking for it but YOU went ahead and send a dick picture out of blue, not cool. That t urns us and ME off. 

So, how to treat me right is this simple processing. Get know me, not talk to me because I am beautiful or my pictures are making you feel sexual feelings or being sensual. I am not interesting in that shit. That explains why I am remaining single for three years now because y'all as straight men don't know how to treat us right compared to gay men. I wish I am dating a gay man! They're way better than straight man. That's embrassassing for you as straight man. You should take lessons from gay man. They apparently know what they are doing and they have feelings---real one! In this generation of yours SUCKS. It's getting hard to find a real man with real feelings. 

For me, I rather a real man with real feelings, find common grounds, get things going and see if there's any connection other than physical part. Honestly, why are you so picky?! Seriously. What's so wrong with a woman with beautiful curvy, being thick? They do have feelings too you know. Why are you chasing after beautiful women with blonde, brown, red, or whatever hair colors with skinny body, or fit body....what the fuck? What's the huge difference between them? Just because of body? You are body shaming us. Shame on you. Think about it, how do you feel if we only pick muscular guy over fat guy? You will be feeling crush right? Now, not just appearance, but when it comes to finding out that I am DeafBlind, you bolt. That's not real man you are. That's pussy man. I am sorry to say that but it's true. Now I am speaking from my experiences, I have dated variety of men and women too. I have learned so much from them and I have been open mind and open heart to give it a try. But honestly, I rather the old fashioned way but noooo in this generation, everything have to be so techie! yuck. It's also partial dangerous too, you don't know if you are real or not. I have been cat-fished at least three times! That was hurt. Now for you men out there, GROW UP and get real balls. Seriously. 

We all would like to have a real man hold our hands, hanging on our arms and have a real conversation and raw love. Where it go? Apparently its disappeared somewhere. Unless I am wrong or miss a right guy. Well, good luck with find me because honestly, I am done with you. And I am done with the way men treat me and thinks it's ok to message me just because my pictures make them feel sensual. Pffbty! Before I say good bye to yuo, jerk asshole men. Think about your goals, think with your heart, not your mind! Stop being frigging horny all of times and chasing after women for sex. Be man up! Find a raw connection is real thing. 

Good luck find a right woman for you because we all have been changing so much after being dump by guy. We all either ended up single, strong, and independent women that men are getting  tired of but hey mister, you missed out the right woman along these signs. 

Buh bye! 
Samantha 

The LIttle Girl Inside

This video is based on true story, it's more of poem really. It's raw feelings, so please do respect which I am asking for. This video is also personal too so please don't share this video to anyone, ask me for my permission first. 

Transcript; Samantha with green shirt along with black half sweater with black background with hair being messed up and turned into bun along with black frame glasses. 

a mother birth a beautiful baby girl, looked back to doctor and told mother that your daughter is Deaf. Mother looked back to the baby which is small baby with curly hair and small cheeks. The parents looked at each other and looked at the baby together. While the little girl growing up, saw the parents still together for long time and it started to fade away in the relationship eventually. Father decided to leave and leave a mother with three children to raise and took care of them all alone. The girl looked at mom and she returned the looks back, wondering where is the father at? The answer always remained at "I don't know". The little girl grew up and started to wonder where's father at and stil ldon't know. Mother took in all of her feelings and kept it to herself while worked so hard to provide us with what we need with help of grandparents. The girl always asked where's father and still remaining don't know. The little girl is no longer little, grew up to be beautiful woman. The girl finally learned the truth about father. We all are not perfect, fault? No. Choices? Yes. Chose to not see children often along with make a lot of mistakes. Couldn't imagine to be singler mother. There are raw feelings coming out now, disappointed? Yes. Sad? Yes. Angry? Yes. Happy? No. When the father became sick and sicker, the relationship between us had changed a lot for good. Better? Yes. Worse? No. Mixed feelings? Yes. The girl is lucky to have father in the life, knew didn't see him often the way she wanted. Always precious father, always love him no matter what happened. We all make mistakes. The girl little goes fading away, becoming woman who's beautiful, smart, loyal, loving, and sweet. BUT becoming strong woman every day throughout life without a father's role. 

Now to all of you, cherish your children, grab time with them, you wll never know when's the last time you have with your children. Please be there for them whenever  the situations happened, always be there for them. Your life will change a lot once your children growing up. 

LOVE YOU! 

Until next time...
Samantha 

Relationships

Relationships, relationships, and what can i say about relationships. 

Every day, I have see everyone that I know have the partner in the crime, loving, honesty, funny, and amazing person to get love from. Every day, I see different people who isn't in relationship have been changing a lot toward themselves. Today, I have been thinking about this a whole lot. I am ready to share few thoughts with you. 

1. IT SUCKS. 
2. A whole lot of work
3. Communicaiton
4. Honesty
5. Loyalty
6. Acceptance 

1. Why is it sucks? Is it me? Is it him? Is it her? First of all, it sucks because i missed the natural way of meeting someone else instead of everything's online. Online basically killed our time, our missed out adventures out there. I love the natural way, meeting someone new which could be introduced from friends, family, and possibly from work. Speed dating was much fun and I sometimes wonder if it's worth to try in this brand new generation. Honestly, everything's online and it's ruined our social skills, our manners, and our approach to the person that we dying want to talk to. So yep, it's pretty much sucks. 

2. It's a whole ass work because it takes TWO, not ONE person to do this both ways. If you expect me to do everything by myself, forget it. You're on your own, mister/ma'am. If you think I am easy person, go find much easier person to fuck with. I am telling you, it takes TWO people to get know each other effectively. 

3. Everyone thinks it's easy to communication especially with different languages, different styles and something new to learn. For me, it's the key and I am DeafBlind doesn't mean that you don't have to say, "oh i didn't know any sign language", "can you read my lips", and the whole bullshit. Come on, this is more than 21st century! Learn and grow up a whole shit. With me, you're going to learn a whole new language--two different languages actually. It will take a while and no it's not overnight. If you have a lot of patience, starting to grow up to like more then eventually love, then you are in right spot. 

4. Everyone lies right? Even the white lies? Sure, I do lie sometimes but i learned being honesty is the best policy. I hate it when someone goes on eggshell around me and afraid to tell me the truth. Just because I am DeafBlind doesn't mean that you should be afraid to tell me the truth. I would love to hear what you have to say or express out your feelings toward me. Just be man up and speak your mind. If you can't then you're not the one for me. Everyone have their different ways of discover which is the truth and which isn't. The point is that everyone hates liars. 

5. Hell, everyone lost the meaning of loyalty. Let me refresh your mind, Loyalty is "the state or quality of being loyal; faithfulness to commitments or obligations". Now that's the fact because everyone has been cheating on their partners and went behind their backs! What's wrong with y'all? Why did you do that to the ones that you love and spend the life with? What for? Just to get fresh meat? Totally not cool. I am extremely loyal when it comes to relationship because I would feel guilty if I did cheat or do something wrong behind your back. I know it's hard to find a person who's loyalty but hell, think about it. Everyone cheats in this generation! Just speaking my opinion, remember. 

6. Everyone have to learn how to accept the flaws from their partners because you do have flaws that your partner would eventually have to accept too. I mean, I am DeafBlind and I rather to have someone who fully accept my identity because I already did and already am. If you can't accept me being Samantha then there's something wrong with you. 

These six keys that I believe are important in the relationship. Remember they are my perspective and my feelings of what a relationship should have. Because they're important keys to maintain and make your partner happy and the important of all, make yourself happy too. If you are happy, if your partner is happy, then the whole house is happier! 

Until next time...if you do touch (see) me, I will give you a hug. Good night my love ones. 

Samantha 

Confidence

Confidence is what everyone have inside themselves, however it has different meanings to everyone. But for me, I have struggling with confidence for long time based on my body image and how I look at myself. Everyone that I grew up, know, loves me, and everything else always has been saying that I am beautiful woman and I don't see it until last year. I always have been internal negative and I know that I do said positive about myself but in that body I used to be, no I wasn't. 

Here's the meaning of true confidence: "full trust; belief in the powers, trustworthiness, or reliability of a person or thing" 

Yes, I am talking about self-confidence and that's one of the keys during your journey to explore yourself. You know, as big woman, that kind of confidence is true struggling and no one will ever understand. For instance, a skinny woman already came with good self confidence because she know that she will have guys chasing after her, giving her compliments, and everything else that she always want to hear or feel great about herself. Compare that to a big woman, how do you think she feel? I always hate my body so much because I feel like I have big stomach, I feel like i have big ass, big boobs and big hip. While in reality, they are good advantages because I learn to the fact that one guy likes in a woman is being "meat" where the guy will feel great to touch, warmth, loving, and you name it. 

Now, I am going to attached the old picture of me and I want you to think like a big woman while you look at this picture, then tell yourself how you feel if you are in this body. 

ID: Samantha stands up and took selfie of herself with green shirt with jeans with hair being in the bun and had french manicure on her fingernails. Showed her whole body image. 

ID: Samantha smiled with maroon shirt that had hole on the shoulder with hair down and red lipstick. Looked beautiful. Showed her body image. 

Now when you looked at these images, how do you feel? Different right? Compared yourself whatever body size you look like. Would you rather to be in this body or your own? Why or why not? Think about this carefully. 

The ironic part is that right now in this century, Plus Sizes are popular and every single woman is BEAUTIFUL! They deserve to have a good self confidence and yes, some of them that I am sure are struggling inside but show the best they can be on the outside. Now, I hate it when someone said "big", I rather to be called curvy or thick woman because that's more appropriate and respect toward a woman instead of "big" because that consider as "fat". 

Do I have this wonderful confidence now? YES! I do! I felt much better when I lost all of this weight because I now feel like I am beautiful inside and I know that I already am on the outside. But that doesn't mean that my interal as big woman goes away, it ALWAYS will be inside me forever because that's how I was in the beginning and was for my whole life. Now, I felt great, I am feeling smaller, and yes I am struggling to keep the weight down. But that doesn't mean that I should pull down my confidence. I should remain being happy with where I am right now. 

I am just grateful that I have my family and close friends to support me all the way to the end. They all love me no matter what I look like. They all just want to see me happy instead of feeling miserable. 

Until next time...

Tactile Love,

Samantha

YOU, YOU, YOU, AND YES YOU!

ID: The circle web with self care in the middle of circle along with 12 different ideas. The ideas are: physical condition, acceptance, pleasure, support, slow down, community, curiosity and exploration, priorities, attention, choices, kindness, and awareness. 

A lot of people doesn't have time to explore themselves or have a chance to do self care. YOU is the important key of YOURSELF in your own life because sweetie, without YOU, you will not able to running well or will not able to be successful, or the important part of all, you will not able to be there for people you loved the most. 

The definition in my perspective means that you are running on yourself within your mind, physical, emotions, and the whole you. The way you grew up is based on your environment, experiences, life lessons, relationships, friendships, and even social media, they do impact on you but how? Here is the how: people. The people do influence you and your thinking right? Without people being around you, where will you be at right now? How will you manage to survive on your own? With people, we will able to function correctly but why do we need people for? Why can't we have ourselves? Well, here's the answer: YOU can! 

From my experiences of self-exploring, I have learned so much about myself that I couldn't even imagined back then and now I can imagine myself. All my life, I have always willing to help people out and always do things for them especially the ones that I love the most. I used to say YES to everything to the point where I would exhausted myself and end up hurt and betrayed. I always telling myself, why do I always say yes so many times? Why do I always getting hurt? Why was I being sensitive? What did I do wrong? All of the questions are based on your experiences and you learned from it. I almost never have time for myself---not at all. Until now. I finally have a chance to exploring, learn what's self care means, and everything else three years ago. I keep telling myself that why didn't i do it long time ago? But again, it varies on people around me and it varies on how we respond to them and how we reacted to ourselves. For example, I am sensitive person and I normally reacted quickly when someone and I ended up arguing or fighting. I would cry right away and I normally keep everything to myself. Presently, I am doing SO MUCH BETTER than before. 

How? Why? What? When? 

Before you ask me these questions, ask yourself the same thing. Why did you do it? When? How? What make you do it? For how, usually money....i always willing to loan some money for small amounts but I never get any favors back and that's how I knew people are impatient and less generous. Why did I do it? Because I love them and even tho I don't know them well. What's the cause that makes me do it, honestly, I am still figuring that part out and I have no idea what. When do i do that? It varies and it depends on where and which day. Now, NO is my favorite word, honestly. It DOES feel great to say no to everyone and to every single thing that they ask for. Because i learned that it's OK to say no sometimes but it's NOT OK to say yes all of times. When it comes to money, I have to be careful and I always pay/return the favor back. At the price that I can afford that is. Sometimes people are generous and mention that I don't have to pay them back but I do want to. However, I knew that they wouldn't accept the favor back.

ID: A gray background with word description on the top of sign said: 10 essential self-care tips. The first ten tips: Keep things small, build momentum, add physical movement, deep breathing, change the dialogue, celebrate every win, set appointments, cultivate relationships, have fun, and surround yourself with beauty. 

Change your habits and you will feel great! Believe me, I do feel amazing when I manage my limitations and learn from my mistakes. You can do it too. Remember you are important to yourself because you are only ONE. There's no one else that's exactly like YOU. You're on your own mind, on your own physically and on your own emotionally. There are no one else that's like you. There's no one else that thinks like you. Self-Care is really important and you know you can do it and you can do better at taking care of yourself. 

If you don't take care of yourself...what do you reckon will happen? Emotionally breakdown often and that will happen and you will be mentally exhausted. 

TIME TO STOP and SAYS YES to YOURSELF! 

ID: A white background with black handwriting: be good to yourself. 

Until next time....

Tactile Love,
Samantha 

From Day 1...Basics.

Everyone goes throughout so much in the life especially the little things that can impact them big. I am here to tell you something about my life that I never thought it actually happens. Before I do that, I want to tell you about myself. Before Day 1, I was extremely reserved, shy, had this low self confidence, DeafBlind woman that constantly fights for her life every day. Every single day is a battle in her mind and in her body within a little girl inside me. Everyone doesn't know my side story, I am here to tell you about my side story of life. 

Before Day 1...I was incredibly reserved due to lack of trust, lack of feeling confident, and I have a lot of secrets that I only share with my best friends which are limited to three people that I know and love in my whole life. I am grateful for them to be there for me and they have seen me going throughout so much. Not so little, not so big. The entire me that's dramatically changed all of suddenly. I was at the point where I basically gave up, which is that? I wonder....can you guess? Let me give you a hint...everyone have something that they are constantly fighting and struggling with every single day of their whole life. Sure, it can be mental, it can be emotions, it can be physical, it can be mind, it can be self-esteem....but what about your goals, desire, your passion, that you want to finish chasing your dreams? I had one---and I never told anyone this partially secret that I made to my father, who may he rest in the peace. 

Yes, I was having trouble with my life, my strengths, my weakness, my trust, my confidence, but there's one thing that I never have trouble with is break promises, loyalty, respect, honesty, but I do know that I am struggling with self-esteem, self-exploring, self-care, self-confidence. Especially my weight. When you look at me, you can imagine it---I was big woman from outside but with many damages inside me. You can imagine that I was OK, but really no I am not OK. 

From this Day 1 to a year later, I am going to share my journey with you by telling you my experiences, my thoughts, my love, and the important of all, self-exploring to discover who you are. 

My name is Samantha and I am happy at where I am right now and I am no longer "big". I am now "small" Soon, you will discover more about me...

Stay turned...

ID: Samantha sat on ATV with white sweater and skinny jeans with a few holes on it. Her hair was down and half was up in ponytail along with glasses and smiled. In the background, it was backyard with a huge of playground on the left and the house in the back. 

ID: Samantha smiled with hair down and curled along with bobby pins in the middle to poofy up along wtih eyeliner by the eyes and pink lipgloss along with grey sweater. In the background, it was in the room with window being bright behind Samantha's head. 

These pictures were old and it was few years ago back. If you want to know what I look like now, keep reading for next one! 

Hugs to all of you. 

Sammie