Confidence

Confidence is what everyone have inside themselves, however it has different meanings to everyone. But for me, I have struggling with confidence for long time based on my body image and how I look at myself. Everyone that I grew up, know, loves me, and everything else always has been saying that I am beautiful woman and I don't see it until last year. I always have been internal negative and I know that I do said positive about myself but in that body I used to be, no I wasn't. 

Here's the meaning of true confidence: "full trust; belief in the powers, trustworthiness, or reliability of a person or thing" 

Yes, I am talking about self-confidence and that's one of the keys during your journey to explore yourself. You know, as big woman, that kind of confidence is true struggling and no one will ever understand. For instance, a skinny woman already came with good self confidence because she know that she will have guys chasing after her, giving her compliments, and everything else that she always want to hear or feel great about herself. Compare that to a big woman, how do you think she feel? I always hate my body so much because I feel like I have big stomach, I feel like i have big ass, big boobs and big hip. While in reality, they are good advantages because I learn to the fact that one guy likes in a woman is being "meat" where the guy will feel great to touch, warmth, loving, and you name it. 

Now, I am going to attached the old picture of me and I want you to think like a big woman while you look at this picture, then tell yourself how you feel if you are in this body. 

ID: Samantha stands up and took selfie of herself with green shirt with jeans with hair being in the bun and had french manicure on her fingernails. Showed her whole body image. 

ID: Samantha smiled with maroon shirt that had hole on the shoulder with hair down and red lipstick. Looked beautiful. Showed her body image. 

Now when you looked at these images, how do you feel? Different right? Compared yourself whatever body size you look like. Would you rather to be in this body or your own? Why or why not? Think about this carefully. 

The ironic part is that right now in this century, Plus Sizes are popular and every single woman is BEAUTIFUL! They deserve to have a good self confidence and yes, some of them that I am sure are struggling inside but show the best they can be on the outside. Now, I hate it when someone said "big", I rather to be called curvy or thick woman because that's more appropriate and respect toward a woman instead of "big" because that consider as "fat". 

Do I have this wonderful confidence now? YES! I do! I felt much better when I lost all of this weight because I now feel like I am beautiful inside and I know that I already am on the outside. But that doesn't mean that my interal as big woman goes away, it ALWAYS will be inside me forever because that's how I was in the beginning and was for my whole life. Now, I felt great, I am feeling smaller, and yes I am struggling to keep the weight down. But that doesn't mean that I should pull down my confidence. I should remain being happy with where I am right now. 

I am just grateful that I have my family and close friends to support me all the way to the end. They all love me no matter what I look like. They all just want to see me happy instead of feeling miserable. 

Until next time...

Tactile Love,

Samantha

YOU, YOU, YOU, AND YES YOU!

ID: The circle web with self care in the middle of circle along with 12 different ideas. The ideas are: physical condition, acceptance, pleasure, support, slow down, community, curiosity and exploration, priorities, attention, choices, kindness, and awareness. 

A lot of people doesn't have time to explore themselves or have a chance to do self care. YOU is the important key of YOURSELF in your own life because sweetie, without YOU, you will not able to running well or will not able to be successful, or the important part of all, you will not able to be there for people you loved the most. 

The definition in my perspective means that you are running on yourself within your mind, physical, emotions, and the whole you. The way you grew up is based on your environment, experiences, life lessons, relationships, friendships, and even social media, they do impact on you but how? Here is the how: people. The people do influence you and your thinking right? Without people being around you, where will you be at right now? How will you manage to survive on your own? With people, we will able to function correctly but why do we need people for? Why can't we have ourselves? Well, here's the answer: YOU can! 

From my experiences of self-exploring, I have learned so much about myself that I couldn't even imagined back then and now I can imagine myself. All my life, I have always willing to help people out and always do things for them especially the ones that I love the most. I used to say YES to everything to the point where I would exhausted myself and end up hurt and betrayed. I always telling myself, why do I always say yes so many times? Why do I always getting hurt? Why was I being sensitive? What did I do wrong? All of the questions are based on your experiences and you learned from it. I almost never have time for myself---not at all. Until now. I finally have a chance to exploring, learn what's self care means, and everything else three years ago. I keep telling myself that why didn't i do it long time ago? But again, it varies on people around me and it varies on how we respond to them and how we reacted to ourselves. For example, I am sensitive person and I normally reacted quickly when someone and I ended up arguing or fighting. I would cry right away and I normally keep everything to myself. Presently, I am doing SO MUCH BETTER than before. 

How? Why? What? When? 

Before you ask me these questions, ask yourself the same thing. Why did you do it? When? How? What make you do it? For how, usually money....i always willing to loan some money for small amounts but I never get any favors back and that's how I knew people are impatient and less generous. Why did I do it? Because I love them and even tho I don't know them well. What's the cause that makes me do it, honestly, I am still figuring that part out and I have no idea what. When do i do that? It varies and it depends on where and which day. Now, NO is my favorite word, honestly. It DOES feel great to say no to everyone and to every single thing that they ask for. Because i learned that it's OK to say no sometimes but it's NOT OK to say yes all of times. When it comes to money, I have to be careful and I always pay/return the favor back. At the price that I can afford that is. Sometimes people are generous and mention that I don't have to pay them back but I do want to. However, I knew that they wouldn't accept the favor back.

ID: A gray background with word description on the top of sign said: 10 essential self-care tips. The first ten tips: Keep things small, build momentum, add physical movement, deep breathing, change the dialogue, celebrate every win, set appointments, cultivate relationships, have fun, and surround yourself with beauty. 

Change your habits and you will feel great! Believe me, I do feel amazing when I manage my limitations and learn from my mistakes. You can do it too. Remember you are important to yourself because you are only ONE. There's no one else that's exactly like YOU. You're on your own mind, on your own physically and on your own emotionally. There are no one else that's like you. There's no one else that thinks like you. Self-Care is really important and you know you can do it and you can do better at taking care of yourself. 

If you don't take care of yourself...what do you reckon will happen? Emotionally breakdown often and that will happen and you will be mentally exhausted. 

TIME TO STOP and SAYS YES to YOURSELF! 

ID: A white background with black handwriting: be good to yourself. 

Until next time....

Tactile Love,
Samantha 

From Day 1...Basics.

Everyone goes throughout so much in the life especially the little things that can impact them big. I am here to tell you something about my life that I never thought it actually happens. Before I do that, I want to tell you about myself. Before Day 1, I was extremely reserved, shy, had this low self confidence, DeafBlind woman that constantly fights for her life every day. Every single day is a battle in her mind and in her body within a little girl inside me. Everyone doesn't know my side story, I am here to tell you about my side story of life. 

Before Day 1...I was incredibly reserved due to lack of trust, lack of feeling confident, and I have a lot of secrets that I only share with my best friends which are limited to three people that I know and love in my whole life. I am grateful for them to be there for me and they have seen me going throughout so much. Not so little, not so big. The entire me that's dramatically changed all of suddenly. I was at the point where I basically gave up, which is that? I wonder....can you guess? Let me give you a hint...everyone have something that they are constantly fighting and struggling with every single day of their whole life. Sure, it can be mental, it can be emotions, it can be physical, it can be mind, it can be self-esteem....but what about your goals, desire, your passion, that you want to finish chasing your dreams? I had one---and I never told anyone this partially secret that I made to my father, who may he rest in the peace. 

Yes, I was having trouble with my life, my strengths, my weakness, my trust, my confidence, but there's one thing that I never have trouble with is break promises, loyalty, respect, honesty, but I do know that I am struggling with self-esteem, self-exploring, self-care, self-confidence. Especially my weight. When you look at me, you can imagine it---I was big woman from outside but with many damages inside me. You can imagine that I was OK, but really no I am not OK. 

From this Day 1 to a year later, I am going to share my journey with you by telling you my experiences, my thoughts, my love, and the important of all, self-exploring to discover who you are. 

My name is Samantha and I am happy at where I am right now and I am no longer "big". I am now "small" Soon, you will discover more about me...

Stay turned...

ID: Samantha sat on ATV with white sweater and skinny jeans with a few holes on it. Her hair was down and half was up in ponytail along with glasses and smiled. In the background, it was backyard with a huge of playground on the left and the house in the back. 

ID: Samantha smiled with hair down and curled along with bobby pins in the middle to poofy up along wtih eyeliner by the eyes and pink lipgloss along with grey sweater. In the background, it was in the room with window being bright behind Samantha's head. 

These pictures were old and it was few years ago back. If you want to know what I look like now, keep reading for next one! 

Hugs to all of you. 

Sammie