Dear YOU

Dear YOU, 

This is not easy for me to do this but i felt like I have to. I feel like you deserve the explanation that I decided to cut you out of my life, possibly for good. You are good person with big heart for the community and a good parent as well. This time, I feel a lot of mixed emotions toward you because I thought you are one of my close friends to the point where I can feel like I can tell you everything but you decided differently. This is disappointment, a huge one. And this is going nowhere and I feel like I can't even talk to you in person right now, not ever. I do hope that you will understand when I say things like this. Someday you will see it for yourself with another person that reminds you of me.

Sighs, I couldn't believe that you would do this to me. You betrayed me big time and I couldn't describe how I am feeling right now when I write this to you. Right now, I feel like I have many thinking of what I want to say to you but I have to keep it simple and sweet farewell. When I expressed the feelings to you, I expect you to keep it to yourself, not sharing with other people.


 ID: A background with tan, white, dark purple and black mixed into the white spread out. Words: "The Truth is that the universe has been answering you all of your life, but you cannot receive the answers unless you are awake."--Rhonda Byrn. 

I was shocked when it came from you and I couldn't believe it When a person express something out, I always believe it ALWAYS should stay in between two people because it means I trusted you with my feelings, secrets, and everything else. Hell, I kept all of your secrets and you decided to blabbed out one of them? This is not YOU, at all. I despised who you are right now because you are not someone that I know and loved, at least used to be. 

You know what, I actually feel much better knowing that you don't need me anymore because you have your sweetheart and you have your own family to manage. I believe that everyone has their type of friendship, or different type of relationship that you have with person. I guess that you and I are not working out so well because I defended you in the past and now I can pretty much letting the words go throughout my ears. So thank to you, I lost my trust toward people again, I would have to work my ass off to start all over again. I am fortuntely lucky enough to have friends circle being smaller and now it's getting smallest. That means, I chose good friends that I can depend on and count on. You are not one of them anymore. 

For your information, losing weight is something that I am most happy with because I finally get to lose weight, maintain healthy, and everything else before I turn 30 next year. This is one of my biggest goals that I can finally check off from the list. When you mentioned that in negative way, it's completely turn me off guard and I couldn't believe that you would do something like this. For past two weeks, my emotions, my thinking, and my mentally drained me out and I feel like I am going into depression again. I haven't see my counselor for more than two weeks, more of flaking it away. Yes, it's because of YOU. Now I am thinking that my losing weight is something that's self boost up and gain my confidence, if you can't take it, keep the words to yourself. Quit being jealous, quit being so negative person, quit complaining. START focus on yourself, your family, your relationship because I don't care about you anymore. Yes, I was so pissed off that I had to start my thinking all over again. I am sorry if my words are being too harsh to you but they are my raw feelings for you to make you understand the perspective of my side. 

The only irony part about this is that you and I have depression, anxiety, and sometimes paranoid, that's only way i have to blunt out to you because honestly, i don't understand why you would do this to me and what did I ever do to you? I haven't anything bad but being successful on my weight loss journey, my work, and totally lucky that I have good friends to back me up and being so supportive. If that's something that you can't handle, too bad or at least learn how to work on that. 


ID: A gray background with words: "it's not the goodbye that hurts. It's the flashbacks that follow." 

One thing to keep that in mind, I do forgive you because that's who I am, but I won't forget what you did. I ALWAYS love you no matter what happens between us but it's better off this way, going on with your own life without being me in it. We will bump into community these days, for now....good luck with everything else.


ID: A black background with words: "You've got to take the food with the sad, love what you've got and remember what you had. Always forgive, but never forget. Learn from mistakes, but never regret." 

Much love, 
Samantha 

Certain People Are Mistaken

All day today, I have been reflecting on my emotions, i had let out two good cries. The last time I cried was last October when I lost a roommate to rare disease that's slow dying inside her. I realized that's the last time i actually cried. So why did I cried twice today? And I am going to cry when I type this tonight because it's raw emotions that's impacted me hard. This is something that I would like to say something to make you think twice, make you feel guilty of yourself for things that you have done. You know what I don't understand, I don't understand why people do this shit to ruin or to destroy others' self esteem? Or their trust? Or even the worse, discovered the dirty truth. Well, all of these are shitting me out right now and I am typing this because it's only way that makes me feel better. To get all of it out of me before head to bed for the night. Once I am done with this, I am going to leave social media for a while because honestly, what's the point for me to continue using social media other than keep in touch? 

Word Description: a white background with words: "Mistakes have the power to turn you into something better than you were before"

Now that's true, you know why? When people make mistakes, they learn how to let it go, learn how to let people go and I know how hard it is to let people that you love. Honestly, I know it's much better when you let that person go for good because when you let it go, you don't have to worry about their shit toward you. I know because I have been there and I should have delete them out of my life. All I can do is forgive them and move on but I won't forget the situation that they have put me in. So for that, today remind me of that so it's definitely time for me to let certain people go. I don't care what they're feeling, i am doing what's the best for me. The ironic part about life is that if you don't make mistakes, you will not learn anything, if you don't feel any pain, you haven't move on, and the best part about this...if you make mistakes, you already experienced the pain, that means you have learned your lesson. 

Word Description: A black background with words: "Anything that hurts you can teach you, and if it keeps hurting you, it's because you haven't learned". 

Like I said, life is irony. 

I have been throughout a lot for past five years because as single woman, you have embrace friendships, especially when it comes to make friends with ladies. It hasn't been easy for me to make new friends who's ladies because it's hard for me to trust women generally especially when it comes to DeafBlind ladies because honestly, community are small and smaller every day. We all live in hearing world which is biggest, I live in deaf community which is small and I live in DeafBlind community which is smaller than deaf community. I have easily make friends with guys more than girls. I don't know why so please don't ask. Anyways, at this point, sometimes it's not easy to remain friends with ladies especially the ones that I thought that I am close with but apparently not. Friendship are complicated shit, and fucked up. People will get around and twist words. 

Three words for you: get a life, set your priories lined up, quit make up the shit, and move on. I forgive you but I am going to kick you out of my life for good. I don't need this, I don't need you. It's your loss, not mine. 

Word Description: A gray background with words: "People can be mean. Don't take it personally. It says nothing about you, but a lot about them"---unknown.

this one is true about myself and this time, I need to stop do that. Look down below: 

Word Description: "I usually give people more chances than they deserve but once I'm done, i'm done".

This is going to be last one, promise! 

Word Description: a black background with words: "Fake friends; once they stop talking to you, they start talking about you. Yep that's right, i discovered who's been going behind my back and took advantage of me. So thank you, i wish you nothing but the best of luck with your life. Don't come back to me and beg me to be friends with you again, I am totally done with you. Completely done. I am tired of feeling like this, it's your loss, not mine. I have to remind myself every day that it's not my fault for being like this, it's YOUR fault for start this and took advantage of people that's care about you and you can't even see that? Ok, good luck. 

Do me a favor? Start delete people out of your life, NOW. Otherwise, you will let them going around and talk shit about you. Unless you don't care, great. Good for you. But I care because sometimes they are not true. Now, I have done something stupid back in the past, I did it out of angry, during that time I was in bad, SUPER bad shape that I couldn't even think straight, I say something bad about a person that I loved and still do, I regret it because I did it out of angry. Angry is ugly and something rare that I don't do often. When you see me, you see most sweetheart, but very strong woman at the same time. That's what people see me as. So, if you don't see my name in your life, you know the truth. It's time for me to say goodbye to you, wish you nothing but good luck. 

After this being posted, I am going to take a break from social media for a while that's included Instagram, Snapchat, and other apps. It's time for me to do REAL self care this time, people can be pissed me off, it's making my emotions going up in the air, and it's exhausted me. I don't need this right now. 

To certain people, you can go fuck yourself. 

To people who always been there for me, thank you. I love you. 

Tactile love to all of you! 

Samantha 

True Connection vs Sex.

When a time like this, we will feel down and we don't know why. I am going to share my experiences with you regarding being a good woman. I have learned a lot about this myself during this journey as a single woman with occasionally dating. 

First of all, it's NOT you, it's THEM. When i feel like I did something wrong, i constantly blame myself for it and I have been figuring out why I feel like this. For example, i will feel hurt, or feel betrayed to things that I don't know if I did or was it them doing that to me? Was it them putting guility into me? Or was they jealous of how I am doing well? There are many reason why we all feel like this. Especially when you have depression or any mental health issues that you have. We all need to remind ourselves that's our brain talking, not our heart talking. Most of time when we feel like this, we didn't think with our heart, we think with our brain. I have been going on a few dates with guys and women as well, things were good and they would just decide to be friends and I always, i mean ALWAYS feel like it's my fault because that's my depression talk, that's not Samantha's' talk. Or Samantha's thinking. Honestly, I wouldn't learn things like this without my therapist. She's the best thing that I have been learn so much about and coping with my depression well. 

Do you ever feel like it's your fault? Do you feel like you're bad person? Do you feel like you are not good enough for them? Or the worst scenario, do you feel like that everything is cursed with you? All of that negative talks come from your depression, anxiety, and chemical substances in your brain telling you to turn you against yourself. We all struggles with two parts of ourselves--inner ad outer. Inner and outer are constantly battles inside our body and our wellness, because we want to feel good while we feel down. Especially when it comes to good women. I know how difficult for men to find good women but honestly, I believe that men are ignorant sometimes because they can overlooked a good woman with bad woman. Did you know that most men choose bad women over good women? Yes, it's fact because they thinks that they have nothing in common with good woman, well they are wrong. Being a good woman doesn't mea it's something that you have done wrong. It means that you have serve your life right and you know what you want in life. They are just idiots. 

But we all know that there's one issue in dating....sex. Now come on, we all know that having sex is perfectly normal, but it's not normal to do it on first night compared to our time. I mean, I born in 90s and I remember my grandparents always telling me stories of how they met each other and how things go from there. I adore their times ad I wish that would be same as today. But sadly, today is more of connected via sex and we all don't want to have sex on the first night. We all just want a true connection, getting know each other better and reserve our souls from being damaged. 

The only difference between a good woman and bad woman is how we want things differently. A good woman want a true connection, true MAN, not BOY. A bad woman wants a PLAYBOY, don't care about connection and just want a fling. Now you ask yourself this, it's your decision on whether you want to continue dating or not. Keep that in mind, its no ones fault at all, it's how society treats us, ,how people interact arouond us. 

Now for me as a single who's DeafBlind woman, I often want to have a true connection, but honestly with you, all men sucks. Some woman are like that too but hey, didn't mean I am going to give up on the dating. I am going to keep going and be brave until I get what I want. IT's not easy to dating someone who eventually accept who you are but I cam turn them down right there because I know and see where it goes. Now, please don't think it's your fault, it's them. 

Think about it. 

Tactile love,

Samantha 

Weight Loss Journey

The transcript for the video will be add later this week. Please do come back when it’s set up for you.

Friendship: Deaf VS DeafBlind

Video Description: Samantha with ponytail along with black frame glasses with dark green shirt while the background is light blue. 

Transcription: I am here to say something about friendship. as you know we go throughout our lives to meet many  different people. Throughout childhood, school, college, mutual friends, and etc. I am here to say my experience as deaf person and deaf blind person and noticed the two different group of friends. I didn’t mean to point it out to you, just want to express out my experiences and it’s getting raw. As deaf person I grew up very reserved, quiet, cautious and born in hearing family, hearing world, hearing school and little bit of deaf school and didn’t went to any deaf universities, only went to hearing. Yes, its nice to have deaf friends for communicate and etc. 

Until I turn fourteen years old, i found out that I have Udder’s Syndrome. Only best  friend knows that I have it. Of course, I was freshman in high school, i kept all of this to myself and didn’t tell my friends until later on. Because sometimes people will give you special treatment, what i mean by that is when you found out that I have it, you will treat me differently, you don’t know how to accept to the fact that I am going to be blind later n the future. I don’t need any of special treatment from my friends. Mostly people don’t know how to react to it until later. I have hard time to coping with it and I didn’t tell anyone immediately. Later on, when i entered deaf school, another new experience for me, new people, new culture, new community, and of course they did noticed that I overlooked a lot, hit my heads, or trip over something. They all later on found out that I have Usher’s. I met one teacher there, that’s similar to me and I felt the same. I was very denial and didn’t accept to the fact that I have it. Sometimes people will make jokes ut of it and it’s not ok. It’s most annoying and it’s not acceptable. 

When I moved to Seattle, understand this, I am from Wisconsin, all of friends know that I have it, and they still make jokes out of it, and they keep forgetting. Sometimes they actually will say it in front of us and they keep repeat saying I am sorry. But why do people keep forgetting? What for? That’s no excuse, that’s lame. Of course, Seattle grew up on me and I become falling in love with the community here, and I started to discover my self identity, and finally accepted myself. I finally do tactile, started using cane, and show other people how to communicate with us. People in Seattle already involved, know culture inside and outside, supportive, show us a whole lot of love. I started to have a lot of friends that’s DB more than deaf/hearing because they don’t understand how we feel, struggling, or coping with different level of vision that happen every day. You know, hearing world is huge, hearing people oppressed deaf, then deaf community is small, deaf oppressed DeafBlind, and the worst part is that DeafBlind community is super small than deaf and we have no one to oppress from. We (DB) all have been support other people with dual disabilities because we finally understand how they feel while deaf/hearing don’t. Again, don’t take it personally, this is raw feelings. Think about it carefully. 

I want all of you to learn something from it. Friends, learned who’s my true colors friends. Friends are people who stand up for me, stand behind me, support, love, and willing to accommodate my needs, not me for them. True friends are like a family, even not blood related. They still are family. What can you do for yourself? Starting to accept to the fact that you know someone that you love the most is DB, starting to learn their culture, their language, become involved, and show them that you will be there when we all go throughout a lot of changes. Don’t be the person that jerk us and left us if we are struggling to understand you. It’s your job to understand us and it’s your job to accommodate us. 

Now DeafBlind community are getting tired of educate y’all all over again like million times and nothing happens. It’s time for YOU to do something. 

All About Emotions

Emotions is an effective state of consciousness, sorrow, fear, hate, or the like, is experienced, as as distinguished from cognitive and litigious state of consciousness

For the past month, I was struggling with my emotions because whenever the big event impacted on me, I would feel little but eventually becoming numb for a few months or less. I had spoke with my therapist and explained to her that my whole life, I had experienced sexual assault, traumatized, coping with having Usher's Syndrome (still do but accepted), handled my father's death was difficult because our relationship was harder and rebuilding and I felt like that was took away soon than I thought. I thought I was going to marry to my only true love for the life, but had bad break up and I had to deal with all of my emotions alone, my struggles alone, among other things. It was never easy. AND I had to change my therapists at least FOUR times in past four years, I am currently on my fourth one and I hope that will be last. Because I couldn't take it anymore by explaining everything all over again to new person, rebuild trust, and the whole thing. Currently, I am dealing with one of my roommates being passed away due to rare lung diseases and fuck that, it's much HARDER to come home from work or any plans because her things are still here and her car is still there on driveway. Some people thinks it's easy to get rid of things but really no it's not. It's hard because it's reality hitting on me and other two roommate in the house. We all deal with it together and it was unexpectedly. I don't 

Emotions is something that you feel, but you don't know how to handle it right. I have been single for three years until I met someone else and currently in relationship. All of my emotions that I handled in the past was much different than I handle it right now because back then, I had no one to support me all the way throughout my father's death, bad break up, and honestly, I did put all of my emotions in sex because It felt great and eventually, one of my best friends gotten worried about me and told me to stop it. So, I did stop it and realized that sex is not best solution to put all of emotions away. I still feel it and I don't like to handle with it because It's hard for me to talk about it. Eventually, I finally build my trust in my therapist, my roommates, and my boyfriend. I know that I have to say what I feel instead of bottle up all inside me. Hell, I don't like to cry! Someone once used to tell me to take tears out of my eyes every single tear, it will make you feel better. Cry anywhere, cry in front of people, and just let it come out of you. 

All of these are RAW coming out of me because I know that I have to teach others how to handle it right way. So I have been learning a lot about my emotions and right now they are detached from my mind and my body is not connected to my mind because when a big event like someone passed away, it's becoming numb and numb more. All of my emotions are numb now, period. So how do i get my mind and body connected again? I actually have to talk about it and I have been avoid that subject for a long time and my body is used to bottle up everything inside me. I have depression, I have anxiety, I have vivid imagination sometimes that's felt like it's real but really it's not. My emotions are all over the place and I have been putting them into cleaning the house, check up and take care of my roommates, keep my mind occupied. And I ended up putting myself last like always. The cycle is coming back into my life again and I don't want that happening. I don't want that happen to you either! When you read this, think about your emotions, what did you tend to do put them away? How? When? Where? Does they give you something that you never felt before? Did you put yourself first or last? Think about it. Do something about it. Don't let your emotions take the toll of you. Because it almost did took toll on me and I almost lost everything. I have to fight to get things that I want and get my mind clear up for once. 

For instance, I thought I will never find love but I did. I used my previous relationship as my lessons to adjust into what I have now because I like things to be slow and steady. At same time, learning a new love is like excitement and it's new chapter to open the door and use it. Experience it, be happy. I am much happier than I was and that was true fact. Every day, when I go into work, everyone felt my energy, felt my happiness being different. All because of you. Thank you for being there for me especially the tough moments. I wouldn't know how or what will i do without you. Love you. 

Before I wrap things up for today, if you read this and feel tears, let it come out of you, show no shame. It's OK to cry! Actually it is! Just be proud of it, cry is not weakness, it's sign of being strong person you are. It's another sign that you are going throughout something that you are experiencing at the moment. 

Until next time folks, 
Tactile Love,
Samantha 

P.S. This blog is dedicated to Luce Lazarus (Victoria "Luce" LeBlanc). Love you. Fly High, I will touch you again later in the life. 

Loved Ones

When you lost someone that you loved, things will be hard. You feel like you can't handle it anymore, ask someone to support you. You know you can ask someone that loves you the most to come and sit by you to have a talk with you. Any types of talk will help. Everyone grief in different ways, some take it hard, some takes it easy, some takes it then move on next day, It's normal and it's okay to feel that way. Be
cause you know yourself better than anyone else. 

Depends on who you loved the most, the most it will impact on you. For example, immediate family, close friends, pets, and your partners in crime---they all do impact on everyone hugely than just friends or strangers. 

I am experiencing this right now with the loss of a roommate, a friend, a community member, activist, and everything else. I have seen this person growing up a lot while at same time is suffered a lot of health complications and felt like it wouldn't getting any better for herself. I have learned how to handle my grief processing and I discovered that I am annoyed easily when people are overwhelming with a lot of questions and the main question is "when is the memorial service" all over again. 

Firstly, you don't ask them right away especially on the first day of finding out that person passed away. BAD IDEA. You can always buckle down and learn how to be patient. You should know better about that. It's one of the best tips is to leave them to process the grief in their own time instead of asking when the memorial service. It takes some time to announce or to let you know. 

Secondly, you could ask them for the support and what they want from the community, that is ALWAYS the best to do it during grief period. For me, it worked better and show me how much you show me your love toward me and others. 

Here's a few quotes that i loved the most during grief processing. Remember, take your time to grief, there's no limitations nor time. You takes all of time that you need to process .Everyone move on at their pace, you move on when you are ready and at your pace. 

Word Description: "Grief is not a disorder, a disease or sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical and spiritual necessity. the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve".--Earl Grollman

Word Description: "Life is so ironic. It takes sadness to know what happiness is, noise to appreciate silence and absence to value presence".---Peaceful Diamond

Word Description: "You can never overcome grief. Not within a day, a week, a year, or a lifetime"--Elizabeth M. 

Remember you take your time to grieve. Don't rush things out, take them throughout slow and steady. Talk to someone when you need, let someone that you know and love and see if they can do what they can to help you. It's OK to be sad, it's OK to have mixed emotions, and most importantly, it's OK to CRY! Let it out, let it come, and let it be out then you can be happy. 

Until next time....

Tactile love, 

Samantha